


The Only One There Ever Was

by cre8iveovadose



Series: Second Chance [15]
Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 18:31:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4887298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cre8iveovadose/pseuds/cre8iveovadose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was only one attempt. Only one attempt to tear them apart forever. And Nick would never forget the few days that changed their relationship forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Suicide attempt, medical stuff, grief. Warnings are tailored to each chapter.

Nick struggled to key in the digits for Sebastian’s parents as he cried into his free hand. He was hunched over in one of the chairs in the emergency waiting room and had finally given up trying to get information out of the nurses and doctors regarding Sebastian’s condition. When Annabelle answered the phone, he only cried harder.

“Hello? Hello? Who’s there? Is everything alright?”

“A-Annabelle – I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to – I didn’t want to leave him – I didn’t think he’d do it! I’m so fucking sorry!”

“Nick? Nick, is that you? What’s happened? Where are you?”

“I’m at – at the hospital. He was barely there when I found him. I called the ambulance and – there was so much blood and I kept standing on pills – they won’t tell me anything!”

“Okay honey, you need to calm down. Can you take some deep breaths? You’ve done so well to get this far, sweetie. Is there someone you can call to be with you?”

Nick breathed long and deep as he tried to think of who he could call. He and Sebastian had a few friends in Chicago but none that they felt comfortable sharing their deepest secret with and certainly none that he wanted to see right now.

“Nick, are you still there?”

“Y-Yeah – there’s no one I can call. I’d have to explain everything to any of our friends and I just – I just can’t do that right now.”

“That’s okay, totally understandable. Marcus and I will try to get ourselves up there by morning. Do you know which hospital you’re at?”

“N-No, I’ll find out and text you.”

“Okay, do you want me to stay on the line?”

“N-No, you can go.”

“Okay. If you need to talk, just call. Don’t feel like you’re being intrusive or anything. See if you can get some food and water into your system and try to relax. He’ll be fine.”

“Thank you, Annabelle.”

“It’s no problem. And Nick? You are being so brave right now. It takes a lot of strength to explain to someone what’s just happened. Thank you so much.”

“T-Thank you,” Nick replied before he muttered a quick goodbye and hung up. He held his head in his hands and tried to figure out what to do now. What was he _supposed_ to do now? Sit and cry? Find something to eat? Stare at a wall? How could they expect him to sit around and wait while his boyfriend lay dying? Or already dead.

That thought sickened Nick to his core and before he knew what was happening, he’d thrown up all over the linoleum floor. Two nurses were at his side in an instant, pulling him to his feet and leading him through a set of double doors to the emergency room. Through teary eyes, he saw the walls lined with beds, some occupied, others empty and he wondered where Sebastian was before he started crying again.

“Honey, can you tell us your name?” the blonde nurse at his right asked. She helped him onto the bed. The other nurse pulled off his shoes before she disappeared.

He managed to croak out a response and wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. His throat was on fire and his mouth tasted awful but his tears kept him swallowing as his breath hitched.

“Okay Nick, can you tell us what’s wrong? Are you sick? What’s happened?”

“M-My boyfriend tried to kill himself, killed himself, I don’t know! I don’t know what’s happening!”

“Okay, try and take some deep breaths for me. You’ve worked yourself up worrying. When Nadia comes back I’ll get her to help you clean up and see if I can find out some information. What’s your boyfriend’s name?”

“S-Sebastian, Sebastian Smythe.”

The nurse nodded before she carefully rubbed Nick’s back, watching him closely until Nadia came back. Nick pretended not to hear her whispering about him when she did.

“The kid’s boyfriend tried to kill himself. Clean him up, I’m going to try and figure out what’s going on. I’m sick of them not sharing this information and me having to clean vomit off my emergency room floor.”

Nadia nodded before she looked to Nick with a soft smile. “It’s gonna be okay, sweetie. We’ll get you cleaned up and find out what’s going on.”

“N-Nadia right?” he managed as she dipped a cloth in a bucket of warm, soapy water and wiped it over his chin.

“Yeah, I didn’t catch your name before.”

“Nick,” he answered, trying to smile and failing miserably.

“It’s gonna be fine, Nick. And I’m sorry about Marina. She’s pulling a double shift and hasn’t had coffee in three hours.”

“Yeah, Seb’s like that sometimes.”

“Yeah? How long have you two been together?”

“A year last month.”

“That’s wonderful! My boyfriend’s taking me out for dinner next week for our six month anniversary.”

“Congratulations,” Nick said with a more successful attempt at a smile.

“Thank you,” Nadia stepped back before she let the cloth slip into the bucket. “Do you want me to get you some water to rinse with?”

“Yes please.”

“We’ll just wait for Marina to get back.”

Nick felt like he was being babysat but he didn’t complain. He knew it wouldn’t get him anywhere. They didn’t have to wait long for the other nurse though. She stormed back in with a glare that could melt the polar icecaps in five seconds flat.

“No visitors for three days.”

“That’s how it usually goes,” Nadia murmured. “Do we have any news?”

“Please say that he’s going to be okay,” Nick almost begged, looking between the nurses with wide eyes.

“They’ve pumped his stomach – he swallowed about a canister and a half of his anti-depressants. They’re trying to stitch his arms up but they’re struggling. If they manage that, they’ll line his stomach with charcoal and then he should be alright,” Marina answered.

“‘If they manage that?’ You mean there’s still a chance he could – could-” Nick didn’t finish the question, it hurt too much.

Nadia’s hand was on his back again, smoothing small circles across the plane. “They’ll do everything they can, but sometimes with all the blood they get stuck. They can’t see to stitch him up because of the blood but the blood won’t stop coming until they stitch him up. It’s not as easy as we’d like to hope it is.”

Nick nodded swallowed and nodded, numb.

“We can let you try to relax in here for a little while, Nick, but you will have to go home eventually. Is there someone who can come and be with you?”

“N-No… I called Sebastian’s parents and they’re on their way from Ohio but they won’t be here ‘til morning.”

“There aren’t any friends you could crash with for the night?”

Nick knew that Nina and Jake lived not too far from a hospital and he thought he’d recognised where they were when he’d climbed out of the ambulance.

“There might be someone. I’ll need to call them, though.”

“Well, we’ll leave you to do that. If they don’t know about Sebastian’s situation though, I wouldn’t mention it, just to keep his confidentiality,” Marina said before she and Nadia disappeared around a corner.

Nick took out his phone again, flicking through his contacts until he found Jake’s number. He hit ‘call’ and held the phone to his ear, rubbing his face as he waited for his friend to pick up.

“Nick? … Dude, it’s two in the morning. What is it?”

“Seb and I, we uh, had a fight… I locked myself out – can I crash at yours tonight?”

“Sure, sure. How long will you be?”

“Not sure, at least fifteen minutes, probably.”

“Okay. Keep safe, alright?”

“Sure, thanks Jake.”

“No problem. See you soon.”

Nick hung up before he climbed off the bed, looked down at his bloodied hoodie and sighed before he shrugged out of it. He’d throw it out somewhere – though that would be suspicious. He’d ask the nurses. He headed back out to the foyer, finding Marina and Nadia at the triage desk.

“I’m going to my friend’s for the night. I’ll come back in the morning with Seb’s parents,” he explained quickly before he held up his hoodie. “What do I do about this though? I can’t really take it with me and it’s kind of wrecked anyway.”

“We can get rid of it,” Nadia answered, taking it with a gloved hand. “Have we got your number in case anything happens?”

Nick shook his head and recited it for them to note down before he headed out into the night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Talk of depression, self harm and a suicide attempt.

Jake answered the door in his pyjamas, stepping aside to let Nick in from the cold night. The couch was swathed in blankets and Nina stood in their small kitchen stirring liquid in a mug. She smiled slightly, her tawny hair a mess and her eyes tired.

“I’m sorry I woke you guys up. I just didn’t really have anywhere else to go,” Nick murmured, standing on the spot awkwardly.

“That’s fine. What are friends for?” Nina replied. “Do you want a cup of tea or anything?”

“T-Tea would be great actually.”

“You don’t look too good, Nick,” Jake said. “What happened with you two?”

They had moved to sit around the small table in the middle of the room. Jake sat on one side, watching Nick with worried eyes, while Nina stepped back into the kitchen.

“We just had a fight. I slammed the door but I didn’t have my keys and he didn’t answer me when I asked him to let me back in. I was out in the hall for a few hours before I called you.”

“Is he okay?” Nina asked. She had never met two boys as oblivious to other people’s opinions of them as Nick and Sebastian but she and Jake had agreed early on to play along.

“I don’t – no.”

“Well, that’s reasonable, he’s just had a-”

“No, I mean he’s not alright,” Nick clarified, shaking his head.

“What’s happened, Nick?” Nina asked as she returned with another steaming cup of tea.

He took a deep shuddering breath. “I got home from my night class and the apartment was totally silent…

.

_“Sebastian?” Nick called out, dropping his keys on the coffee table. He’d expected to find his boyfriend on the couch watching the game. A niggling sense of worry crept up in his mind but he shook it away as he headed into the bedroom. Perhaps Sebastian was sleeping._

_The bed was empty; unmade while clothes littered the floor. Nothing unusual. Maybe Sebastian had gone for a walk._

He would have left a note _, Nick thought to himself before he froze. On his pillow was a folded piece of yellow legal pad paper. He lunged towards it, unfolding it and reading it as quickly as his eyes would let him._

My dearest, beautiful Nick,

I’m sorry I’m doing this. I’m sorry you got so deep into this. I didn’t want to involve anyone. But I guess that was always inevitable.

But I can’t do this anymore. School is impossible. I’m cutting all the time and I just can’t stand to see the look of disappointment on your face anymore.

But know that I have never stopped loving you, Nick. Not for one second. But you deserve better than this, better than me. I’m not worth the pain I know I cause you. I know I’m not enough.

Stay safe and beautiful and strong. You’re going to live a long life with so many wonderful things. Live for both of us, okay?

I love you. I’m so sorry.

Sebastian

.

“… I knew where he was then… He was so pale, I thought he was already gone but his eyelids were still flickering. He was even still trying to cut himself. There were pills all over the floor. I called 911 and just cried.” The tears came again and Nick bowed his head. He felt a hand on his shoulder but he couldn’t look up. He’d just betrayed Sebastian’s confidence when the boy had no way to defend himself.

“Are you alright?” Nina asked.

“Of course he’s not,” Jake answered. “It’s okay though Nick, you can stay here tonight and when you’re ready to go back to the hospital, I’ll go with you.”

His head snapped up. “No! No! Sebastian can’t know that I told you! He’d never forgive me!”

“Nick, he’ll understand-”

“No he won’t! He’s just tried to kill himself. He isn’t going to see reason!”

“Dude, calm down.”

Nick pushed back in his chair and got to his feet, shaking his head. “You can’t tell him! Just pretend you don’t know! Or that you found out at school, they did some announcement or something about depression and suicide-”

His breath was forced from him when Jake jumped up and pulled him into a tight hug. He cried hysterically into Jake’s shoulder, his arms limp at his sides. He could hear Nina shuffling around behind them before Jake began steering him towards the couch. He was helped down and his shoes pulled off again before he curled up on his side, finally letting go of Jake. His friend sat down beside the couch as Nina draped a blanket over him.

“Do you want me to stay with you, Nick?” Jake asked quietly, watching his friend sadly. In the short time he’d known Nick and Sebastian he never would have guessed he’d be in this position.

“P-Please,” Nick whispered.

“Okay,” Jake said with a smile. “Do you need to go back to the hospital in the morning?”

“Y-Yeah, Seb’s parents are driving up. They’ll call me when they’re getting close.”

“Okay, try and get some sleep, buddy. I’ll stay right here.”

“Thank you,” Nick murmured as his eyelids drooped and he drifted off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Talk of depression, suicide, self-harm. Medical squick.

In the morning, Nick was woken by his too-loud ringtone. He blindly groped around for his phone before he found it under the pillow. He answered it and held it to his ear, groggily greeting whoever was calling.

“Nick? Are you alright? Where are you?” Annabelle Smythe asked, her voice full of motherly worry.

“Annabelle?” Nick’s eyes widened as he remembered what had happened the previous night. “Oh god! Sorry! I crashed at a friend’s last night, sorry. Are you guys at the hospital?” He was sitting up now and had almost kicked Jake in the face as he tried to pull on his shoes.

“You never texted us which hospital it was.”

“Sorry, sorry, it’s the one closest to the college, St Jared’s or something.”

“Okay, will we meet you there?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there soon. I don’t know whether he’ll be in ICU or what.”

“Okay, we’ll find out.”

“I’ll see you down there.”

“See you there.”

Annabelle hung up and Nick was on his feet halfway to the door.

“Eat first,” Nina called from the kitchen.

“I can’t, I’ve gotta meet his parents. And I’ve asked enough of you.”

“Nick…”

“I’m sorry, Nina,” he said quickly before he ran out. He was downstairs in a flash and pounding the pavement again.

The hospital wasn’t as far away as it had felt the night before and Nick had burst through the front doors before he knew it. He approached the information desk but was distracted by someone calling his name. He turned to find the Smythes standing and approaching him. Annabelle looked as if she’d been crying and Marcus just looked angry.

“What’s happened? Is he okay?”

“He’s still in the ICU. He isn’t awake yet. We can see him but we wanted to talk to you first,” Annabelle answered before she teared up again.

“Why?” Nick asked, swallowing nervously. What else could have happened?

“One of the wounds had something in it,” Marcus answered. “He’d tried to poison himself that way as well. They had to clean it all out, that’s probably why they couldn’t come out to explain to you what was happening.” Marcus shook his head. “I never thought he’d try this again…”

“He’d been feeling desperate for a while,” Nick murmured. “I’d tried talking to him, been taking him to see the counsellor at school. Guess it wasn’t helping like it should have.”

“Did he leave a note or anything?” Annabelle managed to whisper from where she stood pressed against her husband. She looked like a fragile young girl and Nick wanted to throw himself in a hole. He should have worked harder to prevent this. They shouldn’t have to be here to clean up Sebastian’s mess.

“He did, I left it at the apartment – oh god, the apartment…”

“I can get someone to clean it up,” Marcus said. “And we can bring you some clothes and stuff. Will you go back to school on Monday or will you stick around here?”

“Depends what happens I suppose,” Nick answered with a shrug. “I might stay with Jake and Nina though.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Annabelle answered with a smile. “It’ll be good for you to be around other people.”

Nick nodded before they were approached by a doctor in a long white coat. He was young and smiled sadly at the three.

“Hi, I’m Doctor Paulson. Are you the Smythes?”

“Yes we are. I’m Marcus and this is my wife Annabelle and our son Nick,” he answered quickly, winking at Nick when the doctor looked down at the file in his hands.

“Well, Sebastian’s a stubborn kid. There were a few close calls last night but he pulled through. For what he did to himself and what we had to do, he’s stabilised very quickly. The infection risk is still high because of wounds but his blood’s almost clean.”

“What did he have in his blood?” Nick asked as he folded his arms over his chest.

“The carbon shavings from a pencil sharpener,” Doctor Paulson answered with a grim expression. “It wasn’t so much the shavings that were the problem but the bacteria that was in there with them, and the bacteria he exposed himself to. The scars aren’t going to heal very well but we’ve got most of it out of his system so he should be alright.”

“Will we be able to see him soon?” Annabelle asked.

“Not immediately but yes, you will be able to,” Doctor Paulson looked to Nick then. “Now I understand that you found Sebastian and came in with him last night.”

“Yeah…” Nick was putting up his defences now.

“I spoke to the nurses who were on duty and they said you were quite shaken. If you want to talk to someone about happened, you’re quiet welcome to but obviously you’re not obligated to anything. They were just concerned that this might have hit you pretty hard.”

“Y-Yeah, it did… Um, I might – I might take you up on that offer,” Nick answered, nodding before he remembered the pretence he was keeping up with the Smythes and he turned to them. “Is that okay with you guys?”

“That’s fine, honey, it’ll be good for you,” Annabelle said with a smile. She rubbed his back quickly before she pushed him forward and Doctor Paulson led him away.

“One of my colleagues is a grief and trauma counsellor who works with kids and teenagers. You’re eighteen or nineteen, yes?”

“Yeah, eighteen,” Nick answered. He knew that if he said he was the same age as Sebastian, it would be suspicious.

“Cool. And you don’t have to pretend that you’re Sebastian’s brother – Nadia explained everything.” Doctor Paulson winked before he diverted down a corridor and stopped at the first door on the right, knocking and opening it.

Inside was a small room with several comfortable looking armchairs. Another young man sat in one of them scribbling on a notepad but he stopped and looked up with a smile when Nick and Doctor Paulson walked in. He got to his feet and he was far less threatening in jeans and a t-shirt.

“Dom, this is Nick,” Doctor Paulson introduced them.

“Hey Nick, how are you?”

“I’m fine,” Nick said with a small smile, watching Dom warily.

“Nick came in with Sebastian last night, needs to talk some stuff out,” Doctor Paulson added.

“Well I’m sure we can do that. Come have a seat, Nick.”

Nick obliged but took note of Dom asking about Sebastian’s condition before Doctor Paulson left.

“Can I get you something to drink? Water, juice, Coke?”

“Juice thanks.”

“Orange okay?”

“Yeah.”

Dom moved to a fridge concealed behind a cupboard, taking out two bottles of juice and handing one to Nick before he sat down again.

“Now Nick, just before we get started. Everything you tell me is confidential, I can’t tell anyone else. I won’t repeat anything that you tell me unless I think you could be in danger of hurting yourself or others.”

“Okay.”

“Is there anything in particular that you want to say or ask?”

Nick shook his head. “I just… I just don’t really know what to do.”

“You mean you don’t how to cope?”

“I’ve never known how to cope,” Nick scoffed. “Since he called me from the bathroom at Dalton and kissed me with cuts on his arms at Christmas and fucking wrecked his arm when he knew I was coming over anyway. For the past three months I’ve had to watch him get dressed in the mornings to cover the bandages on his arms from all the relapses he had. No one teaches you how to deal with people at school or college or whatever. We’re just expected to figure it out and deal with it ourselves. Like we’re equipped to watch the love of our life destroy himself.”

The floodgates were open and Nick just talked. He talked about Sebastian’s cutting, about how Blaine had been trying to teach Nick how to manage it, about how Nick had tried to understand it by imitating it. Dom sat across from him listening, asking for clarification where he needed. But he listened and Nick felt safe. For once, the attention and worry and concern wasn’t saved for Sebastian, it was all for him. He felt valued and when this idea snuck its way into his train of thought, he stopped midsentence and started to cry.

Dom handed him a wad of tissues and waited patiently for him to calm down again, to blow his nose and dry his eyes. They lapsed into silence before Dom spoke.

“Nick, I think you need to talk to Sebastian – when you can – and explain to him how it makes you feel.”

“He knows how I feel, he wrote about it in the note he left for me. He said he couldn’t stand to see my disappointment anymore and that he didn’t want to keep hurting me.”

There was a pause before Dom continued. “A lot of people who are suicidal, particularly teenagers I’ve found, don’t consider that their deaths will cause more pain than them being alive will. Now obviously when he wakes up we’re going to talk to Sebastian about that. But I think that if you talk to him about it too, it might help him see it a little more clearly.”

“What if he doesn’t listen? Or what if he tries again as soon as he gets home? One of our other friends said to me once that people like Seb get caught in a cycle and either break it or die trying. What if he dies trying?”

“There are going to be things put in place to prevent that from happening,” Dom paused. “You and Sebastian live together yeah?”

“Yeah,” Nick answered, sniffling slightly.

“We can get you some pamphlets and notes on what to look for, warning signs and such so that you can talk to Sebastian if you think he’s getting bad again. But Nick, the thing you need to remember is that Sebastian is very lucky to have someone like you in his life.”

“Why?”

“Because you care enough to worry. It hurts because you care and that’s not nothing.”

Nick swallowed and nodded before he glanced up at the clock. They’d been talking for an hour and a half. “I should try to find the Smythes. See if they have any news.”

“Fair enough, I’ll get you that information though.”

Nick waited while Dom shuffled through papers before he returned with a manila folder full of pamphlets and pages.

“You don’t have to read it straight away. Just as you feel ready or are curious,” Dom said with a smile.

“Thanks, Dom.”

“You’re welcome, Nick. And remember. He’s lucky to have you looking after him.”

Nick smiled and nodded before he headed back out into the bustling hospital. The world was big and dark and scary but that tiny encouragement might be enough to get him through the day.


End file.
